


All of the Unsaid Things

by Sundriedlilies



Series: It's Complicated and Kind of Messy [1]
Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 17:54:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18783217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sundriedlilies/pseuds/Sundriedlilies
Summary: Jen finds out that Judy was the one who killed Ted... and this is the conversation afterwards.





	All of the Unsaid Things

Jennifer Harding was a beautiful fucking disaster. Her life had slowly begun to decline well before her husband died, but his death marked her undoing. And _no_ , it wasn’t because she had been so in love with him and couldn’t bear to carry on without him. In retrospect Jen knew she and Ted had been done long ago, but that didn’t mean she ever thought for a second, she would have to live in a world where he ceased to existed. It was just a fucking argument. He didn’t have to go and die over it.

Leave it to Ted to be so dramatic.

She missed him, despite herself, and she was so angry at him. But, more so at the person who had taken him away from her. She ached for him to return even if just for a few moments. Just to see the boys one last time—and so she could apologize, because she would.

It was true she was miserable with Ted, but nothing could top the misery of her life now without him. Her eyes were brimming with tears as she fought tooth and nail to keep her composure and offer yet another declining couple a fucking pin-wheel sandwich. It was pathetic really; she was losing her shit over people not accepting some god awful finger foods from her.

 _No_ —that wasn’t right, but Jennifer refused to think of the real reason she was falling apart. And no, it wasn’t fucking Ted.

Her blood began to boil as the threat of tears became more urgent. Brown wavy hair with eyes to match intruded her memory as if they had a right to be there. Jen blinked rapidly as she looked to the ceiling for solace, but there was nothing comforting there. In fact, she could see Judy’s face staining the white paint, just mocking her.

She was everywhere. How does the ghost of someone who is yet alive haunt you? It made no fucking sense. “No fucking sense.” Jen hissed under her breath, as she bowed her head and walked into the bathroom. “Pathetic.” She looked at herself in the mirror, and shook her head. The whites of her eyes were red and stricken. She couldn’t work like this, not when—

Her brain short circuited when she saw the most realistic version of Judy her mind had conjured thus far. It startled her so much that she instinctively dropped her tray of sandwiches and spun around.

 _Oh no_ , Jen felt her heart plummet. This was not her imagination. Judy was really here, and she was sliding the doors closed behind her.

“Get the fuck out of here.” Sure, she sounded vicious, but really Jen had been terrified.

— _No_ , not because Judy had been the one to murder Ted. But, more so because… because of fucked up reasons.

“Please don’t make a scene.” And the audacity.

“Get the fuck out!” Why wouldn’t she just quit? Why didn’t Judy ever know how to stop? Why couldn’t she see… how she had destroyed Jen? The real way she destroyed her.

“I don’t want you to get in trouble. Let me help you.” The brunette scrambled over and reached for the foods on the floor but Jen stopped her.

“No, don’t fucking help me!”

“Shhh.” Judy hissed.

“You Shh!”

“Okay.” Judy stood and stared intently at the blonde. “You look really nice.”

The way Jen’s heart betrayed her and seized in her chest was maddening. Judy didn’t have the rights to that part of her, not any more. But, it was a natural reaction, it was the effect Judy had on her. She just always looked like a kicked fucking puppy—like she never fucking meant to do any of it.

She did though! She knew what she was doing from the beginning. She took advantage. “Shut up.” Jennifer said mustering all of her strength, but even with all her ferocious might it was still a weak demand that held a slight quiver to it.

“Okay.” _Damnit Judy!_

“What the fuck are you even doing here? How dare you even show your face to me, after you…” God, Jennifer was angry enough to punch straight through the dry wall. “I’m working for Lorna now, to keep a roof over my kids’ heads, to keep my life together. A life that you destroyed.”

“I know. That’s why I’m turning myself in.” And she was pleading with Jennifer, imploring for her forgiveness. “I just wanted you to know that I’m going to ask for the maximum sentence. It might be the chair if that’s something that they still do, but the worst punishment of all if losing you.”

Jennifer scoffed and then sent Judy a glare so vicious the other woman cowered. “Wha—the chair? You think I fucking want that? You think I want you to be punished?”

“Of course you do.”

“No! No I fucking don’t. What I want is for you to leave me the hell alone. Gah, what’s so hard to understand?” She felt odd spewing out half truths in such a fit of anger and anguish. Jennifer did want Judy gone, but she still needed her around. And no, fuck that she did want Judy to be punished, she wanted her to suffer like Ted had.

But Jennifer knew that was a lie, and a terrible one.

“I can’t lose you.” Judy shook her head and was fighting to hold back her tears. “I want to make amends with you.”

“Yea, well you don’t have a choice anymore, and for the record, I was never yours. Judy you can’t lose someone that never belonged to you.” Only a half truth… again.

The brunette squared her shoulders as stray tears slipped down her cheeks, and Jennifer met her gaze with a fierce one in response. “You know that’s not true.” And she dared Jennifer to deny it, pausing before she continued her sentence, because they both knew the truth. “You were just as much mine as I was yours.”

Blue eyes swirled with anger as Jen bit down on her lower lip just try to keep her thoughts from straying to the nights she would snuggle into Judy’s side and gaze up at her with adoring eyes. She’d felt happy, she _always_ felt happy with Judy, but that was then, and that had also been a lie. “Not anymore.” Jennifer emphasized.

“Look,” Judy exhaled. “I just want you to be okay.”

Incredulity flashed in the blonde’s features. “You want me to be okay? O-kay?” It came out chopped as her brain struggled to process the word ‘okay.’ How could she be so cavalier about this? “You hit my husband and left him to die. Then you comforted me, you were there for me, you made me feel like I was important.” Her voice cracked at the last phrase and Judy took just a half step forward to try to reach out for her, but Jennifer fixed her with a look that told her not to. “You moved into my home, got my children to trust you—they fell for you. I—”

Jennifer blinked back tears as her heart did summer salts in her chest. It almost slipped out, she had been edging around those three little words in the weeks leading up to this moment, and she almost let herself fall. But just when Judy had her complete trust she shattered any piece of trust that Jennifer held for her.

“I love you.” Judy breathed. “And I know it isn’t fair, but I never did get to tell you that.”

Jen gave a sharp gasp, as tears streamed down her face. “No, it  _isn’t_ fair.” The blonde huffed just before swiping angrily at her tears. “And stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?” Judy took a tentative step forward and wiped away a few of her own tears.

“Like you really do love me.” It sounded odd, almost like an accusation rather than an observation. But Judy nodded anyway, attempting to fix her gaze. Of course it didn’t fucking work, and Jen scoffed as the brunette had only succeeded in looking even more love struck.

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I can’t lose you. _Please?_ ” She was searching for something, probably anything that would get Jen to forgive her. However, this was something unforgiveable. Go figure, right? You can’t just kill a man and expect to be pardoned. “What do you need from me? I’ll do anything.”

“I need you to disappear off the face of this fucking Earth.” Jen spat so viciously that for a few fleeting moments she thought to herself: ‘ _okay that’s enough torture for one day_.’ The look on Judy’s face almost made Jennifer apologize, but she couldn’t, not now. Not after Judy had broken her heart. So the blonde stood in her fury the best she could, though if Judy had looked close enough she could have seen past the angry smoke screen. She would have seen the pleading in those pale blue eyes for her not to turn around just leave of all things. Or how Jennifer didn't need her to just listen to her blindly for once. Jen needed Judy to stand up to her, to stop feeling so guilty—Judy wouldn't be able to do that, and it was unfair to expect her to. But if she had just taken a second glance she would have seen the cracks in Jen's resolve... They were obvious.

“Okay.” The brunette responded, and Jen felt herself begin to panic as Judy turned to leave. _No wait, please stay_. She felt disparity creep up her body and encircle her heart. Unsaid words piled up at the back of Jen’s throat, blocked by a solid wall of anger. Judy would never hear them. She would never know that she had come to mean the world to Jennifer just as Jennifer had meant to her.

A barrage of images flashed across the blonde’s minds as she watched Judy’s lithe frame retreat further and further away from her. Memories of their late nights in bed together watching 80’s tv shows. Or how Judy would hold her on the hard nights, just stroking her hair. The times Jen would sneak into the guest house because she couldn’t sleep without Judy—That’s what she told herself. In reality, though, Judy had grounded her. It wasn’t because she couldn’t sleep without the other woman. It was because she didn’t feel safe without her.

The way Judy would kiss her as if she was worthy of love even after finding out every atrocious detail of Jennifer’s marriage, and the way Judy let Jennifer ravage her some nights.

Jennifer must have known that Judy had felt terribly guilty about something. She would've never guessed what it was specifically, but the guilt was always there. It was in the way Judy let her take control most nights—let her be as rough as she wanted to. The brunette would come hard and pour all her love right back into Jennifer afterwards. Her kisses felt like promises—or apologies.

But her love felt pure.

The revelation nearly knocked Jen off her feet, but she stood tall fighting against the raging pain of her broken heart.

“I love you too.” She whispered into the air just before Judy turned the corner and left her sight for good.

**Author's Note:**

> SO, upon the first episode I immediately spotted the gay between these two, and couldn't help myself. I feel like a news reporter sometimes when I'm watching shows. "This could be the next big story. This is my next Emma and Regina." But I already know, these women are just friends. So I'm going to turn them into lovers as many times as I can.


End file.
